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February 3, 2025

From Feeling Unloveable to Worthy: My Raw Self-love Journey

I was driving down Miami’s South Dixie Highway, listening to a book on tape, when I finally broke open. Years of feeling unlovable came crashing down in a moment of raw truth that would change everything. But let me start at the beginning…

The Void Where Love Should Be

For most of my life, I didn’t know what self-love was or why it mattered. Self-love was like a phantom limb. I sensed something should be there but couldn’t grasp what.

Love “existed” around me. I was cared for and my basic needs were met, but my experience of being loved was strangely absent. My father had died when I was young and my mother was emotionally unavailable. She wasn’t comfortable with ‘I love yous‘ and shunned physical affection. It wasn’t until I was 35 that an “I love you” escaped her mouth.

In that void, I filled the gaps of what must be true; I was unlovable.

The Drawing That Changed Everything

I first encountered the concept of self-love during a juice fast. The healer leading the fast asked me to draw a picture of myself. Other people in the group drew big, happy, smiling faces. But for some reason, I drew myself sitting alone on a park bench under a tree, holding an umbrella in the middle of a downpour. I remember the healer, Dr. Etti Ben Zion, founder of DrSmood, a natural juice and food company, saying,

“Maria, I asked you to draw a picture of yourself. I didn’t ask you to draw an umbrella and rain. What do you think this says about you?”

And it hit me. This simple drawing exercise brought to light the dreariness I felt on the inside. The feeling of being unloved had finally transferred from my subconscious to a simple illustration of me in the rain, alone, wet, and miserable. This was my turning point—the beginning of a deep dive into understanding why I’d spent so long believing I wasn’t enough. And from there, I started exploring my limiting beliefs and the painful experiences that kept me from recognizing my worth.

When Affirmations Feel Fake

At first, I began using an affirmation that Dr. Etti suggested: “I totally and completely love and accept myself.” But I didn’t, and repeating the affirmation every day as I stood in front of the mirror trying to convince myself otherwise was nothing short of ridiculous.

The words felt unnatural, akin to the late-arriving “I love yous” from my mother.

I’d repeat them over and over, but they were empty, void of emotional connection and energy. I was spitting out words, disconnected from a human heart, like a robot.

My Breakthrough Moment

One sunny day, driving en route to some doctor or dentist appointment in Coral Gables, I was listening to Neal Donald Walsh’s Conversations with God. The stern Miami sun was beating down, and I was in my usual autopilot mode until a female voice reading God’s words suddenly struck me:

“As an aspect of the Creator, how could you be anything but worthy?” 

Those words hit me like a wave. A deep pain rose from my heart, and I pulled over to the side of the road, screaming with tears in my eyes, “I am worthy! Do you hear me? I am worthy”—along with a few choice swear words I’d rather omit.

I knew something had clicked into place and my declaration of worth was finally fueled by raw, heartfelt emotion. 

That night, something extraordinary happened. I experienced a spiritual “download,” or rush of divine inspiration, during my sleep. As I woke, an inspiring and creative project came to me and, overtime, would grow into the mission of Gaia Goddess: to support other women as they embarked on their own journey of love and healing.

Learning to Set Boundaries

Learning to love oneself is a journey and it can take years of healing to get there. Knowing I was worthy of love was the first hurdle but I had to prove it to myself and others. Setting boundaries, especially for a former people-pleaser like me, didn’t come easy.

For years, I’d been the person who would say “yes” when I meant “no.” I sacrificed my well-being to keep others happy and gave much more in relationships than I received.

When I truly started loving myself, I stopped attracting and being available to people who would take advantage of me. I began noticing red flags I’d previously ignored: the subtle put-downs masked as jokes, the casual dismissal of my feelings, and the all-too-familiar feeling of being made to feel less than.

I learned to trust my gut when something felt off and stopped accepting behavior that didn’t align with my self-respect. Sometimes uncomfortable conversations were required and other times I chose simply to walk away, without the prior obligation of lengthy explanations and excuses. 

My worth was no longer up for negotiation. My newfound self-love guided me away from anything or anyone that threatened it.

Like a muscle getting stronger with exercise, each boundary I set made the next one easier to maintain.

As my self-love journey continues to unfold, I take time for myself in ways I never would have imagined before. I listen to my body, honor my needs, and no longer push myself when I’m feeling depleted. All of this is a radical shift from my former patterns of perfectionism and validation to prove my worth. Now, I prioritize myself because I know I deserve it.

Embracing Solitude as Growth

I’ve spent five or six years without a partner and while I have been lonely at times, I don’t experience the “lack” of partnership as a punishment from the universe. My time in solitude has been an intentional season of deep self-discovery and healing—a recalibration of sorts.

I’ve learned to love and nurture myself so deeply that I no longer need someone else to do it for me.

Validation from others is no longer a requirement because I’ve learned to give it to myself and become my own best friend. This solitude has been fertile ground for growth, teaching me that true partnership isn’t about filling a void but sharing from a place of wholeness.

From Fear to Freedom

The discovery of self-love has allowed me to create significant changes in myself and my life. I’ve been bold enough to set boundaries in relationships, embark on a healing journey, and face my fears. no longer controls me. When I didn’t love myself, it was terrifying and threatened to confirm my deepest fear, I wasn’t worthy.

But now, the fear of failure that once held me hostage no longer controls me. I see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. I’ve created a business (something my younger self would have dismissed as an impossible dream) and I’m working with an amazing team that has found me just like my mission, because I am aligned to my worth and purpose. 

Tending the Garden of Self-Love

The fear of not being enough still visits, but it’s more like a familiar acquaintance than a terrifying monster. I can acknowledge it, thank it for trying to protect me, and then move forward. Just like a garden that needs constant care, so does my practice of self-love.

It grows from within, and when nurtured, something remarkable happens—the first delicate petals of self-worth unfurl, revealing, in time, the loveable person you always were. 

Cultivating a Revolution of Worth

Today, when I look in the mirror, I see someone who has learned to tend her own garden with devotion and the understanding that self-love isn’t selfish; it’s essential. I know when we nurture ourselves with the same care we so readily offer others, a ripple effect is created. Each act of self-love seeds a message that every heart is worthy, thorns and all.

Like roses blooming with the sun’s rays, we can open to embrace our authentic nature, exemplifying that self-love isn’t just a practice but a birthright.

 

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