When I think about my life up until the past four years or so, I realize I lived a very limited existence ruled by fear. I didn’t know I was in fear, and I was unaware of the many childhood experiences that contributed to it. Nonetheless, I played it very safe, kept myself and my aspirations small, and predominantly journeyed through life in survival mode. 

About eight years ago, I started studying the channeled work of Paul Selig. “The Guides,” as he refers to the teachers that stream uniquely through his channel, have quite a bit to say about fear in all of the 12 books Paul Selig has published so far. My favorite quote from Paul Selig’s texts, “Fear will have you believe it is your constant companion when, in fact, it seeks to control your every move,” succinctly illustrates the white-knuckled grip that fear had on me.

Anyone looking in from the outside would have thought I had my life together. But they didn’t know that my self-worth was lacking, I had a hard time setting boundaries in all of my relationships, and I never dared to take a risk because the fear of failure was so crippling. 

I envied women that had pursued their own personal interests apart from the family role they played and felt inferior to women that, while raising their children, developed their own businesses and continued to express their creativity through writing, art, or other passion projects. When people or therapists asked about my dreams, I always drew a blank. Dreams were for those that believed in themselves and weren’t afraid of failure. I couldn’t risk failure because if I did fail, it would confirm what I already thought about myself; I wasn’t good enough.

But, unbeknownst to me, things were about to change in a radical way. My Mother died, all of my children were out of the home, and Pandora’s box obscuring the reality of my marriage and existence was pried open. Fear didn’t just make a guest appearance in my life, fear became my life, a gripping, relentless, and overwhelming fear that brought back all the unhealthy habits that I had struggled with through my mother’s illness and eventual passing.  Addictive behaviors may temporarily dull fear. However, those behaviors will, over time, give you more to be fearful of. So, I had to get a grip on myself and defiantly face the fear that held me hostage. 

After leaving my 26-year marriage, my family home, and the comforts of the life I had claimed, I dedicated myself to releasing fear and all the childhood and life experiences that made it such a seductive companion. This was quite uncomfortable and I wondered who I would be without the fear I had known and how I’d survive without it to keep me safe.

With the help of Paul Selig texts, spiritual healers that supported my journey and release work, and my commitment to see everything that created and fueled my fear (even if that meant going to a hypnotherapist to reveal repressed memories from my childhood), I have become ME; the real, unapologetic, self deserving, fabulously creative and fearless me. And I have healed most of my past that connected me to fear. I needed to brace myself for the rollercoaster of emotional releases and frenetic states one may experience during an awakening process. However, I summoned all my courage, strength, and faith, and occasionally, the universe was gracious enough to send smoke signals along the beautifully winding journey back to ME.

Today, I recognize,  I wouldn’t have had the inspiration for Gaia Goddess without the lessons and experiences of disempowerment and lack of self-love that fear taught me. Now I can see what other women are going through and how many, even without knowing, suffer disempowerment at the hands of their own fear. I realize my whole life was created as the story to inspire not only my own empowerment but the creation of a business that would help others do the same. It is because of that realization that I can appreciate and even value the many painful and traumatic experiences I had.  Fear taught me well and inspired me to want more for myself.  And as infrequent as it may be, when fear does show up, I thank it for the awareness it is giving me and smile, knowing I still have some work to do.

Love, Light, and Gaia

Maria Marshall